Night Ritual: Facial Cleansing

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What I meant with the title is literally facial cleansing and not a horny man cumming on my face colloquially known as ‘facial’.

When I was still so hooked up with Crystal Meth, I just passed out after three to four nights straight without sleeping. Sleeping was not a plan. It is never a plan when you are on Crystal Meth. As sleeping was an accidental occurrence, I was not able to remove my make-up before falling asleep. Unlike no that I stopped using the drug. Every night, I remove my make up. An every night ritual as if telling my whole biological clock good night. As if I was saying: this shemale is now signing off.

The good thing? My pillows are always clean and I am not scary when I wake up!

My 67th day of Crystal free life.

Early To Bed, Early To Rise

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There would be three nights or even four nights in a row that I would not sleep. My body would be very very tired that I would spontaneously pass out. I could pass out while in the middle of something. I could be online on a cam, or just sitting on the train on my way home. There were few cases that I would wake up and I am totally in different province. My sleeping pattern went crazy.

That was before. That was the case when I was addicted to Crystal Meth. Or I should better say: while I was using Crystal Meth. It is so difficult to say that I am no longer addicted, because psychologically, there would be times that I crave for the drug. The only difference today is that I do not use it. Well, that is a huge difference.

Now that I am no longer using it, slowly, I regained my regular and consistent sleeping pattern. Early to bed, early to rise. My biological clock is starting to click as it used to before I laid my hands on that drug.

One should not under estimate how good a regular sleeping habit. When we sleep at night, our battery recharges. It rejuvenates us. It is the time where our sub conscious work and process all our data, knowledge, and memories stored in our mind. During our sleep is our minds at work. Denying ourselves with night rest is denying ourselves the rejuvenation we need necessary to lead a vital and good life!

Good morning everyone!

On my 66th day!

The Cure For Addiction: Another Addiction

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This is very very sad, but true. We can cure our addiction by replacing it by another addiction! I was already a smoker since I was sixteen, but I never had in my life that I smoked as much as one lack of cigarette a day. Now that I have stopped smoking crystal meth, I have noticed that I smoked twice as much as I did before. I am not happy about this, but what option do I have? The only justification my mind could find is that at least smoking tobacco is more socially accepted by the society that smoking crystal meth. Though nicotine, like methamphetamine, makes me very di pendent and ruins my health. Time will come that I also have to minimize (hopefully stop all the way) smoking.

Now, what I am subconsciously doing is trying to feed the hunger for methamphetamine with nicotine. Of course, I absolutely know that nicotine will never be able to satisfy my longing for methamphetamine and the other way around.

Ahhh life of an addict!! It is not easy buddy! But I am doing the best I can!

65th day!

Train Flirtations..

Even before I smoked all crystal meth I bought, and that is my last money for this month, I have decided to take a train going back home. Then at least I will not smoke the crystal for nothing. I do not have the sufficient privacy and equipment in the crystal house mafia unlike at home.

So I took the train. On the train, I took my favorite sit. It is in between part of the train that connects two trains close by the door. There was a guy with his girlfriend and he was giving an information tour to her. Actually, he was doing a lot more than that. He was bragging about his military/marine training. He was delivering the info tour to that girl, as if he was broadcasting it to everybody.

You know I hate that kind of loud gestures, because I am absolutely not interested. The fact is, he looked like jerk! So I have small gestures for this kind of irritating gestures. I took out my head phone and listen to music while at the same time made myself busy fixing/re-touching my make-up. He shot-up immediately. Small are my gestures might be, but their messages are loud and clear.

Then, there is a very attractive guy in front of me about my age. From his look, I could tell that he does not belong to the social strata called bourgoise. I know, I should not judge and label people I do not know based on how they look, but he definitely has a blue collar job. No offense – it is not a problem at all. As a matter of fact, I really felt at home and safe with his presence.

Out of no where, he took a case with mirror, and sniffed coccaine just like that, right in the middle of people staring curiously on me. He actually saved me from that kind of attention I always try my best to resist and not be affected. He actually kind of saved me. I like this guy, he does not give a fuck! He has guts! He showed some balls! Figuratively speaking of course (though I wish I have got the opportunity to speak on its literal sense).

As a gesture of gratitude and comradeship I took out my foil and tooter showing him what I smoke. The message was this: ‘hey buddy, no judgement, me also a junky and what the fuck?’

He also liked me. He was constantly checking me out and even initiated small conversation by of which I responded delightfully.

He was following me and by the way he acted, he was just maneuvering so that he could have formally introduced himself to me. But I smiled at him, gave him eye wink, and walked as fast as I could. I thought it is better that way. But from now on, he will always be on my mind.

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FUND RAISING ON THE GO!

Unfortunately, Leo did not honor his words. Its a good thing I did not believe anything he said about me. When he is saying I love you and telling me that he wanted more with me than juts a hooker and regular customer relationship. How can I believe that he wants more when everytime we meet he treats me like a hooker. He leaves after he cums. Anyway, he is a good payer and I really do not like him anyway. I just hope he will still call me, because since the police came here to check on me and warned me that what I was doing was illegal, I removed my advertisements I posted on the net. Unlike before, I could have as much as many customers I want before the police came. I have had wonderful sex life then. I am just so stupid not to save for the rainy days. All the money I earned was also gone in no time. Right now, with no savings, and unable to do my sex work, I cannot buy a new computer to replace my old one. I need computer badly because even though I am no longer an actual hooker, I am still an internet hooker. 

Today, I got a visit from my old contact. His name is Alfred. He is a very old man and yet a very hard dick. I called him and ask if he needs sex. He is obssesed in sex. Of course he needed sex. Hmmm.. The amount I need is not yet complete, but I already got half of the amount. Fund raising is till on the go.. 

JUST I LOVE YOU MY ASS..

I have a client who made himself known to me by the name Leo. Actually, I personally do not like him. I also do not like his attitude. Somehow I feel something sinister on his kindness and smiling face. My intuition tells me not to trust him and somehow I despise his guts. Do you know this situation that you met somebody and you hate him or her so much without any reason? As if your energy and chakra just do not jive together? Well, that is what I felt with him.

He is a good client. He comes on time, he cums quick, and a good payer. Well, he pays 50 euros extra than normal. When client calls me, I get horny and excited looking forward for getting paid for sex. Come on, I am still a man. If I am not a tranny, maybe I would also have been paying prostitute. But everytime this guy calls me, I almost get depressed, cranky, irritated etc. That even he only fucks me for 10 minutes, it almosst feel like we have been fucking all day.

I am always happy after sex. I am always glad that I have had a date. But sometimes, in a very few cases and this is one of those few cases, I feel terrible, sad, frustrated and hopless everytime I have a date with him/

So can you imagine how much I feel when he says “I love you” while he is fucking me? Not to mention how I feel that after saying I love you, he is wating me to reciprocate??

This guy just visited me today. My day have been messed up. But I really need money.

BRANDED BY A LEGITIMATE BUREAUCRACY

I used to be in an actual sex work. Around the beginning of April, I got a call from a man who said to be a client interested for my sex services. I can still even remember that I posted an entry on this blog that when a claimed client called me, I can really tell on the sound of his voice that he is a faker or not. When this guy who were saying his name was Peter, I knew from the sound of his voice that he is not a faker. Well, indeed he was not a faker in a sense that he actually planning to show up. He was really planning to show up because he was actually an under cover.

That was the day when I got the warning that I am actually not allowed what I was doing, because what I was doing was illegal. In order to continue the rendering my sex services, I needed to ask for a permit from the city hall.

On that day, I have decided that that would be the last phone call I will get related to sex industry.

I could just go to the city hall and ask for a permit. But why did I not do that? I always used to say that:

I am a slut, not a whore. I choose the men who fucks me and not the other way around.

Asking for a permit for my sex work would made me an official hooker. As I listen to what I am saying right now, I am starting to think that I am a hooker who are so afraid to admit that I am a hooker and would do everything to cover up my activities, because I myself is judging the work I am secretly doing. Day by day I am starting to realise my trannysgression. 

Even though how much I try my best  to be an open mined person, there will always be a resistant level. I always blame the society and the people around me for judging me, but I myself also is guilty of quick prejudism.

Who do I think I am, a ladyboy without any achievement who have turned to be a crystal meth junky and a hooker because of my sex addiction that comes along with my crystal meth addiction and also the need for money to pay for my crystal problem.

MY EX-VIEWER

It really hurt when a sexy guy you like who used to always chat and watch you all of a sudden started to get enough with you and ignore you. There is one sexy guy with nice huge horny dick from Sweden. He was my avid viewer. He used to always chat with me and watch me when I am online. Last time, I saw him online and he was horny. The way it looks, he was chatting with somebody else. It used to be me who made him so horny like that, but now he was so horny with this somebody he was watching that he is ignoring my messages. This is just a chat, and it already hurt. How much more in reality?

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LADYBOY AFTER PARTY…

Last night, I had a fabulous night out here in Amsterdam. I went to my favorite disco bars. This bar that I usually visit every time I decided to be in Leidseplein, has a new Sunday theme. Last night, it was a club night with a good guest D.J. He is not only good but also good looking and sexy. One of the best kick I would get when I went out is that when the D.J. will stare at me as I dance on his music. Well, last night I surely got his attention. So that was a kick.

I went to another bar after eating in Burger King. On that bar, I met this black man. He approached me and we talked for a while. I see him checking on me couple of times. When I went out that bar, he followed me outside. He explicitely said to me that he wants to bring me home. He is a sexy black man from Nigeria. He is so tall, bald, muscled, and I found out later that he has a huge hard dick.

After I sent a friend of mine whom I was with yesterday back to the place she was staying, I called this Nigerian Black Guy and went to him. I said goodbye to Jackie and then took a taxi that will bring me to his place at Amsterdam West. He lives in the Osdorp area.

He has this huge, and very hard black dick that I enjoyed sucking. I am a very oral person. Here, I mean not only that I enjoy and good at dirty talkings, but also with everything that my mouth can do for a dick. But this does not apply to every dick however. There are dicks that I are so nice to suck.  This man’s  I dick is like the dick that  I would suck forever. I sucked his huge black dick like a real nasty slut. I was teasing him. I stopped every time that I sensed that he was about to cum. He was so horny and my teasing really made him horny so big time that he was begging on me to let him cum.

 

And he came in my mouth!

SLUT DEEP INSIDE

Now I am back at the Amsterdam home, where I am renting a room with my dealer and so-called sister/friend. I went out. Now I am back again. Again, I wet back alone. There are a lot of guys showing me their interest and flirting with me. Maybe it is so absurd to hear, but I am really shy.. really, I am shy. I get so conscious from the guys taking their first move. Also, all of a sudden, I will feel the eyes of the people around me. People talk. I always say I do not care about what other people do, but in a way, I do care about what they think or say. I am already marginalised in the society, so I want to prove that I am not a slut. At least I am not a slut in public. Though I am a slut at hearts. Ending, I went alone, sad and horny! Feel sorry that I was so worried about what other people might think who actually do not care about me. I just want little respect.. maybe.. 

BETTER BE ALONE WITH CRYSTAL

 

I do not think that I am loner or something, but in terms of smoking Crystal Meth I prefer to be alone. I do not mind paying for more and not getting extra in return, I prefer to be alone. Now that I live in the Crystal House Mafia, it is just so difficult to find solitude. Constantly somebody is interrupting me. The owner of the house (who the dealer of CM is) and her mother are competing on who has gained much of my attention.

The dealer herself is not capable of smoking alone. Somebody has to “serve” her. “Serve” is the term use when somebody is melting the stuff and the other is smoking. This is done when the old style is used which is using aluminum foil. Because I live there now, I am the one who has to serve her. When she smokes, her trip is this: tell her past stories when she was a go go dancer in a night club when she was still young. I have heard this story over and over again. Actually, what I want after serving her (serving her is not even my obligation because I pay for my stuff) is that she will fuck off.. or just smoke herself.

Some people like her beg for company.. when I am high, I just want to be alone. Earn money from my webcam sex shows or write and update my blog sites. If there would be a sexy man who has no problem fucking a ladyboy or shemale amateur webam performer infront of cam while getting high on crystal together.. then why not?? But please, not with a faded ex gogo night stripper.

MOOD SWINGS..

Maybe I am like her. Maybe I also have such a mood swings like her. Sometimes she is very kind to me, like a big sister. But sometimes she is like a jealous and envious step sister in the story of Cinderella (where I am the Cinderella of course).

When she is in a very bad mood like yesterday and I do not know what seems to be the reason of it, she will hit on me, not physically but she will hurt my feelings in a very indirect way. She will not tell me that she is angry at me, but would express her anger at me in a very indirect way and will use my disability (if you call my sexual orientation a disability) just to remind me that she is superior that me.

I live here on her house. A paid my rent on time plus one month deposit and I paid it on time. As for the Crystal Meth, I paid the things I asked for her. I despise her when her attitude to me is like this. How dare she?

I do not want to blame her, but it is from her supply that first cyrstal that I smoked. She should treat me a little respect, because all of my money and savings went to her item. I pay 150 Euros for the shit, while I suspect that she only pays 50 for a gram. I tried not to complain, and she did not hear me complain.. All I am asking, that even though I am a junky, I should be treated with respect and my privacy be respected. After all, I pay for my addiction myself.

SUNDAY EVENING 2 BOYS AFTER THE OTHER

Sunday, I met this guy while I was biking back home. He spotted me and followed me with his car. At first, I ignored him, but he kept insisting. So while I was biking and he driving his car, driving the same speed as my bike, he asked for my number. I looked at him, he is really good looking. His name is Mike, he said he is Arab. So I gave him my number. I told him to call me at 21:00.

Back home, I checked my mobile phone. I saw that Martin, a dutch muscled guy I dated two years ago, sent me an sms. I dated with him. On our date two years ago, fucked me five times in one night. He fucked me without condom and shoot inside of me. I thought, I was in a mood for date like that that Sunday – NO CONDOM FUCKING, SHOOT INSIDE THE ASS, CREAMPIE ASS 5 TIMES NON-STOP IN ONE NIGHT.

This time is little different. Before he fucked me I even reminded him, that it will be his choice. If he is doubting we use condom. I even gave him the condom. He fucked me without condom. When he came, he was worried that I might give him a desease as if he is blaming me. What the fuck? Why did he think about that before he came? I even gave him the option!

Then, I just told him the story of my sexual youth. My first sex when I was 11 years old in #4 St. Hilario Street. And then he was so angry at me! He said that I might be a phedophile. Fuck!

What a judgemental stupid asshole. He is so big and muscled but I guess he has a travo tendency. In a very sublte way he asked me if he could wear high heels, wear my dresses and make him over. He is just jealous with me because I am naturally lean, sexy, and female shape. People are even asking if I am taking hormones while I am not. Him? Ahhh I do not think that there is hormones that would make him look like a girl… nothing.

Well, the second fuck.. Mike.. the Arab. He is good looking and sexy. I enjoyed sucking his dick.. but fucking?? With condom.. boring. Though at least less drama..

UNPAID SERVICE

There are couple of things happened this week since I was back again from Amsterdam full packed with Crystal Meth. I have had three dates. These dates are non-paying dates. Dates whom I like and I had the moments that I want to be that “normal girl” who is dating in a “normal way”.

Why did I become a “normal girl” and had “normal dates” this week? I had no choice, my biological intuition – the sexual libido – attacked me so much this week. You would ask, why I did not ask for fee this time while I also date when I am horny before and ask fee at the same time. Do you remember my post last 4th of April his year? Please click this link for the article: http://trannysgression.wordpress.com/2013/04/04/everything-is-possible/, that I was so sure that the last caller was real and I was so boasting about the talent I have developed as I work in the sex industry (that I can distinguish who are those real dates and those who are just time wasters when a potential client calls me on my working phone) – well, this guy turns out to be a police officer with his partner and checking me out. They are the so-called “prostitution check”.

I will spare you the details for now. For the mean time, the bottom line is that, what I was doing, receiving men in exchange of money is illegal because I do not have the City Mayor’s permit and not registered as a hooker. The police did not jail me or asked for a fine, but that day was a warning. If I still continue with my illegal practice of prostitution, I will face serious consequences from the Court.

I am not allowed to solicit, but they did not say I am not allowed to date. I dated with three guys this week. The first is a second time here. The first time, as a client. Second, also his second time to visit me. Both are non-paying dates. Third a new guy who followed me with his car while I was biking to ask my number.

The first date was not happened last Thursday evening. He is not that good looking, but he is quite attractive. He is an avid fan. He always watch my shows when I am performing live on cam. When we are on a chat session, it would take him an hour before he cums. But on the first date as well as on the second date, he just put his dick inside my tight little ass without condom and presto… BOMB EXPLOSION.

On the second date, I did not dare to clarify that the date is paid date, but I was hoping he would have his own initiative. After all, we are still in the setting of prostitution. He kept calling me and bugging me to have a date with me. I was reluctant by the fact that being clear with the pay date would mean that I will engage in illegal prostitution. I was hoping that even though I am in an indecent profession (at least according to society) that he would treat me with decency and respect. I was waiting for him to have his own initiative to give me a compensation, but I got nothing.

I was hurt. The sex was good, but it was too quick. He came quickly and I did not. Worse of all, I have no money from him. At least before when the police have not yet warned me, in moments like this there is a small conciliation price: the payment for sex. I never felt a hooker like this before.

I will not confront him or nag at him. I will still be friendly and one day I will let him realised how he insulted me. They say, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

To watch his video he sent me before the first date, please visit my BLOGSPOT.COM blog: TGIRL-ANONYMOUS: http://tgirl-anonymous.blogspot.nl/2013/04/too-quick.html

- TO BE CONTINUED -

CRUISING ON PHONE

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I have lost half of my day again. The moment I opened my eyes, I got online. I have got not so much viewers today. There are some calls on my work phone, but those were not serious callers. They are what I call jerk off callers. They would call me and pretent to be interested in visiting me for sex. The moment they open their mouths, I know they are fakers. They would ask if I have time today for sex date and then would ask the price. The next question is what are the possibilities. Of course, with this question I would normally answer what would I do to them and what they can do to me while they were jerk off their dicks. It is ok. I do the same. Sometimes I am on their point of view. It is very horny and hot for the callers. If I am in a good mood, I give them what they want. Free Sex On Phone with an amateur hooker. Actually, I think it is very smart.

Hmm.. ok, it is already late. I think it is time to get a shower and start my day and try to do some stuffs and try to accomplish few things.

Photo on 3-20-13 at 12.29 PM

 

 

BEGGING FOR LOVE IN SILENCE

Lately, I noticed that it is getting more frequent that I feel sad every time a client leaves me. Today, I feel sad. I really feel sad and alone. It times like this, where I am emotionally down, I long for something warm, affectionate, and love. Things that I know I cannot expect from clients. I am a hooker who offers sex to male clients who needs sexual release. It should be simple as that and no strings attached. Today, when michel arrives, I hugged him tightly and kissed him deeply. Without words, I was begging him to touch me and care for me. Somehow, that short moment of intimacy made me long for more. I was begging him not to cum, but the intese sexual intercourse did not kept him from cumming. As expected, he changed to moment he ejaculated. He said, he would love to stay longer, but he has to drive long because he lives in Rotterdam. I did not hear that he is from Rotterdam from his accent. It hurt as he leaves, but I must bear in mind that I could not expect anything more. I should be very happy that I have had sex with a man I like and get paid from it.

Now, I need to get dressed again and fix my make-up. I might get another booty call.

OOPS HE FORGOT..

Walter visited me tonight. This is the first time I met this guy. I met him on webcam chat islive.nl. He got my number from hookers site where I have a profile and advertising to be rendering sex services. He was already checking on me for quite a while. Today, I have this sad and lonely feelings again and I wanted some company. Walter seems nice so I dated with him.

Even though I have the need to be with somebody else, I prefer to be alone if a man would not give me money in return. Let us admit the fact, men do need me more than I need them (gee.. i love saying that.. it makes me feel like I am a woman). Moreover, becoming a shemale, the money on sex is the best consolation I have. They do not even dare to invite me to their places. They want to come to me, but they do not want me to come to them. Because they do not want their neighbours to see me visiting them. Men do not want to associate with me, because of the stigmas ladyboys, shemales, transgenders etc. etc. bear. Asking money for sex would not be a bad option he?

Walter is ok. He is kind. And yes I enjoyed his company. Once in a while, I like to be treated like a human being and not as a sex fetish. It was really relax. We did not fuck. We made “love”. His dick was big, but not hard. Not at all. He said he is straight, but he is so gay. He is very manly, but the way he makes “love” with me.. Gee.. I tell you.. he wants men.. not women or shemales..

We were together for four hours. On the phone, before we finalised the date, I clearly said, half the price. If it clicks, he can stay longer and can fuck me as much as he wants. When he arrived he did not give me the money immediately  I did not say anything. I thought, I will test him if he will forget or not (I really do not think that one would forget to pay a hooker). When he decided to go back home, I was waiting that he would bring up the payment out of his own. He did not. At the door as he goes out, I asked him: “are we forgetting something” he replied: “what”. I gave him a gesture of “asking for alm” and he said : “Ooops I forgot”. In my mind BULLSHIT.

SACK FULL OF SUGAR, BUT NO PRIVACY TO SMOKE IT

I am very happy with the plastic of SHABU right now (shabu is street name for Crystal Meth in the Philippines).I have got a new set-up with my contact person which made me very very happy and satisfied. Well, she better do so. I have been a loyal client for five years now. So after that five year loyalty, I gained a loyalty award:  I get the item half a price! She gave me the sack of Crystal Sugar last night and I am happy with the amount in it.

Another privilege that I enjoy with my contact person is that I could stay over night in her house. If I am with her, we jamin a lot.

However, the annoying thing is this: her sister is also here in her house. Therefore, even though I have the sack fuck of sugar, I cannot smoke it. Because her sister should not see us with the shit. She knows of course, but we should not be seen with it.